I do a lot of research, and listen to many podcasts on narcissistic abuse since I also coach those recovering from it, and I was excited this week to receive my copy of Dr Ramini's new book It's Not You. Earlier in the week I listened to a podcast of hers where she talks about the book and specifically, radical acceptance, and I realized it not only works for narcissistic relationships, but it also works for narcissistic systems. And, yes, we should all know by now the Mormon church is a very narcissistic system, so it makes sense that the first thing we really need to do (even before finding our values described in the last post ;) when we first leave, or even begin to question is to go through radical acceptance and acknowledge everything about the church... the good, the bad, and the ugly. As we all know this is hard, if not excruciating, learning about all the harm and devastation the church has caused and then realizing we've, not only been lied to about it, but we've given our entire lives to it. No wonder many people who stay in the church just ignore the thought that it might be wrong and go on pretending like everything's fine (cognitive dissonance). This is easier than acknowledging the truth, however, it's no way to live and the stress of trying to live this way will take a toll on your physical and mental health. Facing the truth is a much better way to go and as hard as it is sometimes, there's a peace in knowing the truth, you realize it's what your inner voice has been trying to tell you all along and it's the beginning of learning to trust that voice.
In the book, Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach she talks about how acknowledging the truth and reality of all things helps us to accept how things are right now, therefore, giving us an opportunity to change for the future. Dr Ramini discusses 6 aspects of radical acceptance in narcissistic abuse and why it's important to acknowledge it:
Acknowledging the reality of the situation: I think for most of us leaving the church it took awhile for it all to sink in, which is normal. Dr Ramini says it's because we need to process the grief of what we've lost. She also says in the process we will need to build up new supports, self-reflect, figure out who we are without the church (as I discussed in the last post), and find new meaning and purpose.
Think about if you should stay or you should go: After we've acknowledged the reality of it, sometimes it's hard to decide whether we should completely leave the church or stay. For some, this is an extremely hard decision since there's so many things to consider such as letting people down, losing friends and family, fear of the unknown, and loss of purpose.
Acknowledge that it doesn't make their behavior hurt any less: Radical acceptance doesn't mean that we give in and accept bad behavior even if we decide to stay. We can still acknowledge that much of what they do is wrong and can be less surprised by the behavior. We can also appreciate that we now know our detector mechanisms, as Dr Ramini calls it, are working so we can be more alert to triggers and conditioning.
Accept behavior won't change: Radical acceptance does mean accepting that their behavior won't change. I think all of us that have left the church have realized by now that it's never really going to change. This is important to know so that we don't stay in an unhealthy system hoping that someday things will change, when chances are they won't.
It Doesn't mean you have to leave: As I mentioned, for some, leaving isn't really an option, at least for the time being. However, knowing what's really going on is helpful in the way that we're not as confused, we now know our limitations, and we can find freedom in knowing the truth. We also have more control over our time, money, thoughts, and how the church affects us.
It's a process: Radical acceptance is a process and it begins with sensing that something isn't right. Once we know the truth we can acknowledge the unhealthy patterns and be on guard for bad behavior. It may take going back and forth for as long as we need before we are finally ready to leave, or at least able to cope with staying, however, just being aware of what's going on gives us power over unhealthy relationships/systems and the choice to do something about them.
If you want to know more about narcisistic abuse check out Dr Ramini's book It's Not You or check out the Narcissitic Abuse Recovery page on this website. Also, If you want to know more about radical acceptance check out Tara Brach's book Radical Acceptance, Embracing Your Life With The Heart Of A Buddha. I've been enjoying learning about all different "religions" and loved this book. Although I don't think I'll ever join another "religion" again, I like to take the things that inspire me from each one and incorporate them into my life. There were a few things from this book I have found very helpful, maybe you will too!
If your looking for individual help and support navigating your own faith transition, don't hesitate to reach out or book an individual coaching session. You can book online or contact me on this website. Also, don't forget to download the free Re-thinking Your Faith Packet, which helps organize your thoughts, beliefs, and perspectives, create a new value system, and figure out a new path according to your own inner compass!
