I've noticed that the first thing most, if not all, of us do coming out of Mormonism is begin to wonder exactly what it is we do believe, what we actually think about things, and what we really value in life. Coming from a church and culture that told us exactly what to think, believe, value, and love, most of us never had a chance to think about it ourselves and come to our own conclusion. Furthermore, if we did let ourselves venture out of the box even a little, we would immediately feel guilt over it when someone with more authority put us back in our place, so the chances of us doing that again were slim.
So where do we begin to deconstruct our thought process so we can figure out what we actually believe so we can make the best decisions for our own lives without someone else telling us what that should be? We also have to remember this isn't just a church, or religion that's going to try to tell us what to think and who we should be, this can be family members, friends, society, social media, etc. Therefore, we need to know who we are individually and what is best for us personally. This is the only way we can live the life we want.
I've found that the best way to do this is to first figure out our own values. The definition of value is, " A person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life." So a value can be anything from honesty, to money, to getting enough rest. When thinking of what we value, we should think about what's most important to us (and who), what kind of a person we want to be, and what we need to be healthy and happy in our life and relationships. Once we've narrowed this down we will have a better understanding of ourselves and it'll be easier to reconstruct a new belief system, and we will make better decisions based on our values.
Going back to leaving the church, some of us have the tendency to want to dive right in to everything that we couldn't do as Mormons going from one extreme to the other, however, holding on to that thought for a bit and taking some time to figure out which direction is best for us will most likely save time, possibly some bad decisions, and a lot of heartache. If your looking for a good book that will head you in the right direction, I would suggest my favorite book of all time, "The Way of Integrity" by Martha Beck. If you don't know Martha, she is one of our own, the Daughter of Hugh Nibley (a Mormon apologist in the 60's and 70's), author of "Leaving the Saints", was Oprah's life coach and is now a famous writer, coach, and podcaster. The book explains how staying in your integrity (being true to yourself and living from your own internal compass) will lead to the life that's meant for you. You can also download this helpful values exercise for free by clicking the link below.
These are some of the things I've learned in my coaching classes that have helped me as I, not only navigated leaving the church, but left other toxic relationships and overcome obstacles, all while "Finding My True North Star" (Another Martha Beck book ;)
I hope you find this helpful as well!
If your looking for individual help and support navigating your own faith transition, don't hesitate to reach out or book an individual coaching session. You can book online or contact me on this website. Also, don't forget to download the free Re-thinking Your Faith Packet, which helps organize your thoughts, beliefs, and perspectives, create a new value system, and figure out a new path according to your own inner compass!
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