I always knew I had somewhat of a different experience in the Mormon church than most of the people that were there, but I didn't realize how different it was until I left and started hearing the stories of others. I grew up in a somewhat inactive home, my dad went to church as a kid, but stopped going as soon as he graduated High School. My mom took us to church as kids but stopped going herself as we became teenagers. Because of this, we never talked church at home, coffee was brewing every morning, and what I learned about the Mormon church, I learned at church. Despite all this, all four of my siblings and I went regularly to church, attended Seminary, my brother served a mission, and we were all married in the Temple. By this time my parents were completely inactive, but us kids were just the opposite, attending faithfully every week. Although I loved my parents and honestly didn't worry that much about them not going to heaven because they were good people, I wanted to have that perfect Mormon family, which included family home evening, Temple visits, and scripture study. Okay, maybe not scripture study, haha. However, as it turned out, my husband was less than excited for any of this, so these things only happened a hand full of times. Not to mention, in all of my 20 years as an adult in the church, I spent 10% in Young Womens, 5% in Relief Society, 5% in the library, 5% in other random callings, and 75% in Primary. SO basically everything I knew about the church I learned in Primary. Because of this, after 43 years of attending church, never saying no to a calling, attending baptisms, doing my visiting teaching, praying by myself and with my kids every night, reading the scriptures alone, and sitting there bored out of my mind while the home teachers talked to my husband about camping... I realized I never really felt included in the church. No matter what I did they didn't want me, not for anything important anyway and my self-esteem suffered because I felt devalued and unheard. So my problem wasn't that I was completely immersed in it, my problem was that I wasn't, even though I wanted to be! I really wanted to be part of the club! But after years of trying I have to say it was actually a relief when my husband sent me podcasts on church history that eventually (within 2 weeks) led me out of the church. To hell with them I said! I don't want to belong to a church that did, and still does, such horrible things to people. Good riddance!
It wasn't until after I left and started listening to the stories of others that I realized how fortunate I was that I wasn't included. I felt left out for years, was teased because I didn't know what garments looked like before I had my own, remember looks of pity because my parents didn't attend church and couldn't watch me get married in the temple, constantly felt less than because I was never given a seemingly important calling, was never asked to speak in Sacrament except when we moved somewhere new, and had a hard time getting to know people since, you guessed it, I was always in Primary. However, this now seems minor compared to what others have gone through leaving the church. My heart breaks for the people that's world has been turned upside down, and I've realized all the constant information and conditioning must take years to untangle. As hard as it's been for me, it's much worse for others. My life didn't change that much when I left, I was happy to get a "second Saturday" and I picked up drinking a cup of coffee in the mornings pretty easily since I had grown up with it. I was lucky that by then most of my family was out, however, my husbands family was all still in so, although they were nice enough, it was still awkward being around them for a long time. Since I wasn't that close with my ward, it wasn't too hard to sneak away and I shouldn't have been surprised that nobody came looking for me... but I was... and a little offended. I had to resist the urge to yell across the fence to my neighbor, "Hey! I'm not going to church today!" to see if she would try to talk me into it, but decided I should probably just be happy I wasn't being bothered, haha. This is rare though, most have an enormous amount of obstacles to overcome. For them it's a revision of their entire world.
Now talking with people leaving the church, friends, and clients, I'm fascinated to hear their stories and see their bravery as they, not only deconstruct the only life they've ever known, find a completely different one, forge ahead through the unknown, and do it all while having to confront family, friends, and neighbors knowing all too well what being brave might do to their closest relationships. I'm beginning to see what a privilege it is for me to work with such courageous people, and I'm grateful to have been given a peak into the Religion that held them captive for so long. I now know the doctrine and the history pretty well, keep up on current issues, and was a Mormon long enough to understand the social pressures that go along with it. With this knowledge, I find myself on middle ground.... somewhere in between being an insider, and being an outsider. I'm beginning to better understand what you TBM's have gone through, and I'm fascinated and devastated all at the same time seeing it from your perspective. This has inspired me to start this blog... a place where I can discuss the thoughts, beliefs, and experiences from the inside, and offer other perspectives from an outside point of view. I hope it helps. I truly admire all of you for standing your ground. Whether your still in the church, but questioning, have just left the church, or left long ago, the one thing we all need to remember is, we didn't leave because of our lack of faith, we left because of our immense integrity. Integrity that wouldn't let us stay in a place that was harmful to ourselves and others, and that's something to be proud of!
If your looking for individual help and support navigating your own faith transition, don't hesitate to reach out or book an individual coaching session. You can book online or contact me on this website. Also, don't forget to download the free Re-thinking Your Faith Packet, which helps you organize your thoughts, beliefs, and perspectives, create a new value system, and helps you figure out a new path according to your own inner compass!
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